I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
