I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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