Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
