I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
