Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
