I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
