Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
