we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
