His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
