I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
