Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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