guys are not supposed to queef...right?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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