somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
don't judge my taste in strippers
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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