If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
