They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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