seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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