I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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