:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
