my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
