can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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