You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
