Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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