I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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