in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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