So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
