I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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