i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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