This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
