Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
