now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So vagazzling was a success
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
