Im at strip club and am horny
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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