Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
