Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
