my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
