I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
