4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
