Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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