On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
