Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
