this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
