Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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