I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
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sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them