im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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