my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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