Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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