you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
