NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
