last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
