I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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