I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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