You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
