my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
