it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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