so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
