I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
