So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
