I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
