if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
