call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize