I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
