I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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